Inappropriate giggling

My inner child was saying "Yes!"

It was fall of 2020 and I was anxious. I was in the beginning stages of divorce. And when I say beginning, I mean asking for a divorce. We had been drifting apart for a long time. It was time to get serious and make the decision. I was ready. How do I bring it up? When is the "right" time? What will his reaction be? How should I ask? What should my response be? How do I handle the awkwardness?

Then it happened. We were in the living room and watching TV. The rest was a blur. Honestly, I am not sure how it came about. I just remember him asking, " So then, what? Do you want a divorce?" Wow. He said it. I didn't have to. And now, it was out there. I said, "Yes, I want a divorce." Then unexpectedly, I gave a great smile and giggles came bubbling up. I couldn't hold back. It just came out and I couldn't control it. I was giggling! I got up and left the room.

My instant reaction was that of shame. How could I do that to him? How could I say "yes" and start giggling in his face uncontrollably? Here we were ending a 22-year marriage, and I was laughing? It felt so cruel. What was wrong with me? It bothered me so much, that I brought it up to my spiritual counselor. I had such conflicting feelings. Of course, I was sad and cried at ending the marriage. Yet, there was a sense of freedom and excitement at this new life I was about to start. It was like a weight had been lifted. It went from wanting it to be over to it IS over. My wise counselor told me to sit with the feelings as they came up. Observe and honor. It was and continues to be a process with all my life changes and experiences.

There are times I wish I could go back and change that scene. Not the question or the answer, but the response. I wish I would have shown more compassion. Luckily, there was compassion throughout the divorce process. As we ended our relationship, we both did our best to be fair and loving toward each other. Some people find it hard to understand that there could be the possibility of a "cordial" divorce or an end to a relationship. But that is what it was. And I wouldn't change that.